Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Poetic Justice System



It’s hard to turn on the news and not get a little depressed. Or Angry. We hear and see about all these crimes being committed that seem to leave us feeling helpless. The laws don’t work, there’s not enough police, the judicial system is broken or overriding social issues; there’s plenty of blame to go around. 
Well, I’m here to propose a new system of justice. One that I believe will create more conversations about the repercussions of committing an offense. It will cost much less than our current penitentiaries, and most importantly, will shed the shackles of helplessness that weighs so heavily on our souls whenever we turn on the news. I call it, The Poetic Justice System. The PJ System for short. 
Here’s an commonplace example of how The PJ System would work:
Have you ever had you car broken into, or worse, stolen? That first realization, followed by denial and guilt for even proposing such a thing, extreme worry at the realization that what you first proposed might actually have happened - a slight sinking feeling in the stomach... sadness... then shear blind rage? 
Did you not say something to the effect of, “If I find that little so-and-so, I’m going to run them over with my car!” 
Well, what if you could? 
Why send this individual to prison, or more likely juvenile detention, where he or she can only progress in their apprenticeship of less than desirable skills and make further connections with societies’ underbelly?
Screw it. Just run ‘em over with the damn car. The same car they broke into or stole.  How many times would it take getting run over by a car for someone to think, “Maybe I should just get myself a bus pass.” Not only that, the victim gets to enact the punishment! 
Of course it all has to work on a scale. The punishment has to fit the crime. The thief who stole your iPod from the dash board should probably only be run over at about 30 km/h.  If they took your jet-black 1964 Mustang for a joyride and kindly parked it for you around a telephone poll- say 55.... that should leave a good enough impression. 
What about those firebugs? Now burning them alive might be a little much- assuming no one was hurt, remember, we have to keep this to scale-  I would propose fire ants. 
A human leg three days after
coming in brief contact with a
fire ant colony
Someone, (not me) forcible insert  a few dozen fire ants up the arsonists’ rectum and then just let the ants do the work. You could sell tickets to this! What would bring a community closer together, than watching the same individuals who destroyed their neighbours’ homes and terrorized their community, convulse in pain as fire ants tear apart their colon? You could even leave a can of gasoline,  a turkey baster and match beside them just to provide an ironic out. Take bets on all sorts of possible outcomes and use the proceeds to pay the deductible from the fires. 
This is the outside-the-box kind of thinking The PJ System brings to the issue of crime. 
In the heat of the moment, a potential criminal is not thinking of the time they’ll have to serve if they are caught, the people they hurt or the fact they are just pissing off every normal person in the city. But they sure as hell will think about what clawing 56 fire ants out of their asshole is going to feel like. 
I’m not going to get into the more serious crimes- drug dealing, rape and murder- but I think conversations involving nail guns and small, tactical nukes are pretty comfortable borders for everyone. 
Of course... Now that I really sit down and take a good look at this... I can’t help but think that no one has built a pyramid in a while. 
Here’s some straps of leather, a stone axe and the quarry's over there. What’s that? You’d rather go for the jackhammer? Well then, right this way. 
The possibilities are endless. 


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