Al’s Top Ten List of Things To Do On Valentine's Day

Here are some suggestions to make this useless holiday a memorable one.

1. Get yourself checked out. There is nothing worse than getting all dressed up and ready to go on that hot Valentines date to find out it burns when you pee. It’s also free, so if you’re short on cash, it’s a economical idea. You could even bring a friend with you so you have someone to keep you company.

2. Start the night off by drink wine in the bathtub. After you’ve polished off a couple bottles, go pick out one of those bridesmaid dresses you have stored in your closet and proceed to call up THAT ex. Explain to him in full detail how much better off you are now without him, and that you never actually loved him in the first place. You could even tell him you slept with his best friend, whether you actually did or not.

3. Go to you city/towns equivalent of Moe’s Tavern to lower your inhibitions and completely destroy whatever self respect you have left by taking home the first thing with two feet and a heartbeat. 

4. MAKE OVER! Start off by dying your hair black and then shaving of the back while keeping the bangs long in the front. Go and dig out all those piercings you had in high school and put them back in. This will help you to remember that true beauty is on the inside, and make you feel young again.

5. Call Lava Life. We’ve all been tempted, admit it. But who has actually tried it? This would be the perfect time to experiment and find out once and for all if that is really where the party is. 

6. Start a profile on Plenty Of Fish. Not to actually find love, but to remind yourself that there are people out there who are far worse off than you, and have absolutely no hope of finding love or experiencing andy kind of meaningful happiness.  I like to call these people Table Nine.

7. Porn. And lots of it. But try something different. Don’t just go Youporn, but actually spend the money on something decent. Maybe a foreign film.  

8. Use this opportunity to educate a younger generation on the brutal realities of love. Don’t hold anything back. It’s best they learn about your cheating ex who robbed you of your dignity and half your bank account now at an early age, so when it happens to them they won’t be surprised. 

9. Save one of your “couple friends” from spending a miserably evening alone with each other. Think how surprised they’ll be when you show up at their dinner reservation unannounced at Inferno’s. They’ll be so glad you showed up to save their miserable evening, they might even offer to pay for your meal.

10. Check the expire date on those boxes of condoms you’ve had stashed in your drawer and throw out the outdated ones.