Bitch Bitch Bitch

 This is a depressing blog so feel free to just skip over it and go on to something a little more cheery. 

It’s been a long week. Really long. Actually, it’s not even a long week so much as it has been a long month.  

Now I’m sure I’m not special in this regard, but I’ve started to loose what passion I had for writing. I used to really enjoy doing it. However, the more I analyze my work and deconstruct it for it’s shortcomings the more and more I find it hard to write anything at all. I’m caught up in this world of second guessing and my lack of confidence in what I write causes me to write with unfinished thoughts, poor sentence structure and god-awful grammar. I neglect to write  about what I initially set out to write, and inevitably my work appears half assed despite the blood, sweat, and tears that went into it.

I’m past the point of just writing words, instead of ideas. I write letters. Letters. Words lose their meaning when I try to write. It seems the more effort I put into something the less reward I get out of it. Now that’s a slippery slope. 

Fortunately I’ve been around the block enough times to realize this and to not  get too melodramatic about it, but fuck. Some courses I think I’m better off to just “mail it in”. Save myself the head/heartache of getting no return for my efforts. 

Now I’m not fishing for anything nor am I complaining. I’m merely conducting some “self-analysis” and hopefully I can find some recognizable pattern, or at the very least cheer myself up.

The sad part is, is that I don’t really feel like I’ve grown at all. All most three months in, and I don’t feel like I’ve learned anything. I mean, I’ve learned a couple things, but I’m not better at any of them. In most cases it seems I’ve gotten worse.  Deep down I know that can’t be true, but again, fuck. 

Most of the time I don’t let it get to me, and I’m sure a lot of people can relate. I know what I have to do and I know this seems pathetic and childish  So please, spare me your head patting, condescending, sunshine-up-the-ass blowing comments. I don’t want them. I don’t need them. Actually, it’s probably better off that you don’t read this altogether, but I guess if you here it’s too late. You should have taken my advice from the opening line. 

Well, at least  I feel better. I don’t think I learned anything, but I’m still going to strike one up on the Al board. 


*Later this evening..... I just won my hockey game, and all of of a sudden feel so much better. Beautiful tip in by Al Scott, on my shot from the point. It's amazing how the little things can put everything in perspective, isn't it.*